'Tis the season to spend money

Happy new year to you all.

It's been a while since I last posted, the problem with writing this blog is that it keeps me away from achieving my lifelong commitment. Shredding banknotes.

Christmas went well for me, really well. I spent more money this year than I ever have at Christmas before. I bought hugely expensive gifts for people that don't need them and I bought presents for people who don't even exist. Internet shopping has been a revelation since they brought in 1-click shopping. I got cramp in my finger whilst hammering away in front of the screen. Not the first time I've had cramp in that situation but certainly the first time it was in my finger.

The positive gains of the festive period are easy to see. The wall of cash money that used to separate my pinball room from the my 3rd kitchen has now been depleted so much that if you stand on tip toes and look out of the south window at 6am on a Monday morning, you can see the thick green smoke rising from the chimney stack over the courtyard, clearly signalling the weekly incineration of US dollars I buy from that idiot Martin Lewis' website Moneysavingexpert.com. However of course, I buy from the bureau at the bottom of the value list. At least that poisonous website is good for something.

I've had a tremendous response from you wonderful people since the first post and if you have any great cash burning tips, please send them in and the good ones will get a mention.
Excuse me but now I'm off to itunes to buy 10,000 copies of Justin Bieber's album with the bank account I recently opened with a zero balance. In 30 days I'm going to be in unauthorized overdraft heaven.
Ciao. X

Lunchtime Tips

When strapped for time and you can't get to your favourite over-priced eatery and reduced to regular supermarket food, we've got some great tips to bear in mind when you're perusing the aisles of your local Marks and Spencer or Waitrose wondering..

"I'm hungry and I'm fully laden with cash, how can I kill 2 birds with 1 stone?"

Cash Burning Tip 1. Buy too much.
Even if you're watching your figure or you feel slightly wasteful doing this, remember, this is first and foremost a cash burning exercise. Nothing can take away from the joy you'll feel when you walk away from the checkout feeling a few grams lighter in cash. Besides, there's always someone poor or fat around to help out thesedays.

Cash Burning Tip 2. Reject Meal Deals.
This should be an obvious one really, you should always be careful when assembling your lunch ensemble. There is absolutely nothing worse than coming to the end of your shopping trip and being presented with the dreaded Combo Save pop up. Easy ways to avoid this are picking up an old fashioned lemonade or vanilla and coconut smoothie instead of an Evian, not only are these never on the meal deals, they are also invariably slightly more dear. Another plus.

Cash Burning Tip 3. Make an 'honest' mistake.
When using a self service machine there are a plethora of ways to shed money. If you're buying a croissant or apple for instance, instead of choosing the correct option from the touch screen, be crafty and choose a pain au chocolat or papaya. No-one will ever suspect you.
Also, those cash dispensers are situated below eye level for a reason loyal Cash Burners.. just walk away like you've never cared less.

Happy Burning.

Chris.

"Money Saving Expert"... The battle lines are drawn

This is the enemy. This man, as far as I'm concerned, represents everything that's wrong with this messed up world.

What gave Martin Lewis the right to spread this heinous "advice"? Which authority made him the "expert"? More to the point, what kind of concept is "Money saving"?!
I'm sorry if I come across angry or brash, but this disease is just what is spitting at the heart of this great country's, nay, this great world's economy. Why should we let this man and his bunch of thrifty cheapskate idiots ruin everything we've grown to know and love?

So I say this;

Burn your Nectar cards,
Withdraw your life savings,
Buy your train tickets last minute at the station,
Withdraw your cash from ATM's in foreign countries,
Sort results by 'Price descending' not 'Price ascending',


AND IF YOU EVER SEE ANYONE PRINTING, OR CARRYING, OR GOD FORBID SITTING IN A RESTAURANT WITH A 2 FOR 1 VOUCHER, RIP OUT THEIR STILL BEATING HEART AND HOLD IT IN FRONT OF THEIR OWN EYES SO THEY CAN SEE HOW BLACK IT IS BEFORE THEY DIE.

This is our stance. We will not budge. Join me. Join us, for I know there are already thousands who have read this and decided this is their calling. Do not save your money, spend it like it was printed to be spent. And fucking enjoy it.

Chris.